Welcome to Loving Care for Mom
Loving Care For Mom
Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Loving Care For Mom, where we share stories and tips about how to care for your aging mom or dad with love.
Caring for mom or dad can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating. Most of us have never had to take care of someone: Where do we start? What help can we get? How can we afford the best care? How can we provide the best possible care for the mom or dad you love so much?
Here, we will share many tips from two points of view: from the point of view of a day-to-day caregiver, and from the point of view of a legal strategist. Competently navigating care requires both.
We help you understand the many resources available to you as a caregiver and your mom or dad as the one you’re caring for.
This newsletter is packed with tips and tricks to help you navigate and provide the best care for your mom or dad.
Seeing the World Through Their Eyes
Last week I visited a dear friend, whose mother — we’ll call her Mary — is living with dementia. I watched the two of them in their cozy living room: Mary asked the same question for the third time in a row, her eyes searching the air as if trying to catch a memory that was just beyond reach. And her daughter — caring, calm — answered again, with the same gentle smile.
In that moment I realized something powerful: what seems like repetition to us can be a real moment of confusion, worry, or uncertainty for someone living with dementia. And how we respond — what tone we use, how quickly we speak, whether we treat their questions as if they matter — can make all the difference.
Based on what I saw, and what dementia-care experts recommend, here are some of the things that helped that afternoon — and might help you, if you’re caring for a loved one.
Listen like it matters
When you talk to someone with dementia, the world may feel uncertain or confusing to them. So:
Speak slowly, clearly, and simply. Short sentences, everyday words, and a calm tempo make it easier to follow.
Make eye contact, come down to their level, and give gentle non-verbal cues. A reassuring glance, a hand on theirs, or a gentle nod can help them feel seen and safe.
Give them time to respond — don’t rush. Their mind may need extra moments to find the right words or understand what you asked.
In that living-room moment, Mary’s daughter didn’t rush, didn’t correct or contradict — she simply waited, gave a calm answer, kept her voice soft. And Mary seemed to relax.
Meet them where they are — avoid arguing or quizzing
It’s tempting to correct, question, or reason with a loved one who’s repeating themselves. But for many with dementia, memory doesn’t come back — and every time you say “But I told you just 5 minutes ago,” or “You already asked that,” you risk causing frustration or shame.
Don’t argue or correct. If they say something that doesn’t make sense, or ask a question again — don’t challenge them. Instead: respond to the emotion behind the words. Reassure, comfort, or gently redirect.
Avoid testing their memory. Questions like “Do you remember?” or “Don’t you remember we just talked about this?” can feel like a test — one they may fail, over and over. Instead, you might say: “I remember when…” and share a memory of your own. If they want to follow that memory, great. If not — that’s okay too.
Respond to feelings, not facts. Sometimes, what’s most important isn’t whether their memory is accurate — it’s how they’re feeling. Are they anxious? Confused? Reach out to that emotion first.
That afternoon, when Mary asked for the third time whether her husband had come home yet — even though he had — her daughter didn’t say, “I already told you.” She simply reassured her: “Yes, he’s back. He’s upstairs resting now.” Mary nodded, as if that was enough.
Use small acts of care, thoughtfulness, and routine
Communication isn’t just about talking. Sometimes, care means setting the mood.
Minimize distractions. Turn off the TV or radio. Choose a quiet space. A calm environment makes it easier for someone with dementia to focus.
Offer simple choices instead of open-ended questions. Instead of “What do you want to eat?” which might overwhelm, try “Would you like tea or coffee?” or “Do you want this sweater or that one?” Short, clear choices are easier to respond to.
Use comforting, familiar gestures. A gentle pat, a warm beverage, music they once loved — sometimes nonverbal comfort speaks louder than words.
Stick to routines. Predictability helps — familiar routines can reduce confusion and anxiety.
Remember: you’re speaking to a person — not a memory machine
At one point, I asked Mary’s daughter if she ever felt frustrated. She hesitated, then quietly said: “Sometimes. But then I remember — she’s not being difficult on purpose. She’s just… lost in a fog. And when you’re in that fog, all you want is to feel safe and understood.”
That struck me. Because dementia doesn’t rob someone of their humanity or their feelings. They might forget names, times, or details — but fear, loneliness, confusion, even joy, remain.
If you’re caring for someone with dementia, treat them like a person first. Respect their feelings. Speak with warmth and dignity. Don’t treat memory lapses like failings — treat them like part of a difficult journey they did not choose.
Sometimes, all that the care recipient needs — more than a correct answer — is a calm voice, a gentle tone, a reassuring smile.
Warmly,
J. Todd Murphy, Esq. (“Todd”)
Elder Law & Estate Planning Attorney, Morristown, NJ.
Helping families plan ahead and navigate life’s transitions with confidence for over 30 years.
Always Seek Professional Advice
We’re glad you’re here! Please note that the information in this newsletter is for general educational purposes only and is not legal advice. Reading this newsletter does not create an attorney-client relationship with J. Todd Murphy, Esq., or Dublin Packard Attorneys. Many of the topics, tips, and strategies discussed can be complex, and you should seek the guidance of a qualified Elder Law attorney—such as J. Todd Murphy—before taking action.
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