Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Loving Care For Mom, where we share stories and tips about how to care for your aging mom or dad with love.

Caring for mom or dad can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating. Most of us have never had to take care of someone: Where do we start? What help can we get? How can we afford the best care? How can we provide the best possible care for the mom or dad you love so much?

Here, we will share many tips from two points of view: from the point of view of a day-to-day caregiver, and from the point of view of a legal strategist. Competently navigating care requires both.

We help you understand the many resources available to you as a caregiver and your mom or dad as the one you’re caring for.

This newsletter is packed with tips and tricks to help you navigate and provide the best care for your mom or dad.

I just came home from the hospital after having some surgery. It hit me harder than I expected, and I wasn’t prepared for how much I would need help at home.

Suddenly, I couldn’t do the ordinary things I take for granted. It was hard to get out of bed. Hard to get to the bathroom. I needed my wife to make my meals. Feed the dog. Take out the trash. Clean up after me. All of the things I would have done myself. Even simple things—getting comfortable, finding something I needed, managing my routine—were suddenly out of reach.

She’s busy. Very busy. And I didn’t want to be a burden.

I told myself, I’ll wait… I don’t really need that yet… I can manage a little longer. But the truth is, I couldn’t really manage. And what surprised me most was this:

If I needed food, that’s all I could think about.

If I needed something from the store, it stayed on a loop in my brain.

If the dog needed care, that worry sat right beside my own discomfort.

Now here’s the part that really opened my eyes.

From my wife’s perspective, she had a dozen things happening at once. A call to return. Laundry to switch. The dog to walk. Run to the store. emails to attend to. A shower to take. From her side, making me wait a few minutes here or there probably didn’t seem like much at all.

But from my side, that little wait felt HUGE!

Not because she wasn’t doing her best—she absolutely was—but because when you’re the one lying there uncomfortable, in pain, tired, and vulnerable, whatever you need feels urgent, even if it’s small.

Most people who need care don’t ask right away. We wait until we really have to. By the time we speak up, we’re often uncomfortable at best—and sometimes overwhelmed or frustrated. The caregiver doesn’t see that delay. They just hear the request in the middle of everything else they’re juggling.

And that’s where misunderstandings can quietly grow.

The second thing I learned was this:

Keeping the heat at 72 instead of our usual 68.

Making breakfast before I had to ask.

Thinking ahead—“Will he need anything while I’m in the shower?”—so I didn’t feel forgotten.

None of these were big gestures. But they felt huge to me.

And I want to be clear—I’m not complaining. My wife did a wonderful job. This experience didn’t make me feel frustrated with her. It made me deeply appreciative of caregivers… and much more aware of what’s happening emotionally on the other side of care.

Caregivers live in motion. Care recipients live in stillness.

Caregivers are measuring time in to-do lists.

Care recipients are measuring time in discomfort, waiting, and hope for relief.

When you’re healthy, waiting ten minutes doesn’t mean much.

When you’re hurting, vulnerable, or exhausted, those ten minutes can feel very long.

So if you’re a caregiver reading this, here’s the gentle takeaway I learned firsthand:

Caregiving is exhausting. I know that now more than ever. But I also know this:

And sometimes, just knowing that someone is thinking ahead for you is as comforting as the help itself.

Warmly,

J. Todd Murphy, Esq. (“Todd”)

Elder Law & Estate Planning Attorney, Morristown, NJ.

Helping families plan ahead and navigate life’s transitions with confidence for over 30 years.

Always Seek Professional Advice

We’re glad you’re here! Please note that the information in this newsletter is for general educational purposes only and is not legal advice. Reading this newsletter does not create an attorney-client relationship with J. Todd Murphy, Esq., or Dublin Packard Attorneys. Many of the topics, tips, and strategies discussed can be complex, and you should seek the guidance of a qualified Elder Law attorney—such as J. Todd Murphy—before taking action.

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